Guys!!! These Are What You Can Learn From Her Ex

It’s a cardinal rule of dating: don’t talk about each
other’s exes. The pain, the unwelcome memories –
some of them still fresh, perhaps. But you can thank
her exes for at least one thing: leading her to you. In
fact, according to research from Indiana University,
the average woman may need to date nearly a
dozen men before she figures out who and what she
wants. And each of those men leaves an impression,
says lead study author Dr Peter Todd. “The success or
failure of relationships shapes our future search for
mates and the attributes we value, which could
include factors like health, wealth and physical
attractiveness,” he says.
That’s just one reason why you shouldn’t be afraid to
bring up the topic of her former squeeze, says Dr
John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, a
relationship counselling centre. “Stories of past
relationships will help you better understand her
wants and needs.” Ask her these five essential
questions (just maybe not all at once) and you’ll learn
everything you need to know about her past –
including how to keep yourself from becoming a part
of it.
Question 1
How did you lose your V!rg!n!ty?
The man who claims her v-card can set the bar for
her future in the bedroom. In a recent study in the
Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, researchers found
that a disappointing first time can often lead to poor
sexual self-confidence and low overall sexual
satisfaction later on. While an anxious, less sexually
assured woman is likely to have had a bad first time,
a negative first sexual experience could also make
any woman uneasy about future romps, says study
author Dr C. Veronica Smith, a psychologist at the
University of Mississippi.
Don’t fear the past
Bad experiences in bed can run the gamut from tame
to traumatic and a common theme is that she felt
dehumanised, says Dr Brandy Engler, author of The
Men on My Couch. She’ll want a stronger connection –
but be aware that guys often think that means a
tender, emotional experience, Engler says. “Women
want you to express your full desire. So combine
intimacy – eye contact, whispers in her ear – with
carnal elements, like hair pulling.”
QUESTION 2
What did you fight about with your ex?
Arguments can arise when a partner feels that his or
her power is being challenged, say researchers at
Baylor University. Identifying the most common fights
in her past can clue you in to her priorities and
insecurities, says Dr Craig Malkin, a psychology
instructor at Harvard Medical School. “When did she
feel the most distress in her previous relationships?”
he asks. “Because these situations, if they pop up
again with you, are bound to rekindle old fears,
triggering angry flare-ups and battles of will.”
Have a clean fight
Set a few rules for when you have it out, says
marriage therapist Dr Paul Hokemeyer. “Agree not to
argue late at night,” he says. “You’ll be more irritable
and prone to saying regretful things.” When things
get heated, take short breaks or go for a walk – it’ll
help lower the emotional intensity of the fight, he
says. In the end, aim for a compromise, says Malkin.
“Ask her what solution would feel best for her. Even
if she’s not sure, the fact that you asked will be
deeply reassuring.”
QUESTION 3
What’s your biggest regret?
Women tend to place a higher value on family and
relationships, says Dr Mike Morrison, a psychology
instructor at the University of Western Ontario.
Likewise, many regrets women harbour are linked to
relationship choices, Morrison says. Those misgivings
can plague her thoughts for years. And the parts she
would’ve changed are clues to what she most values
and desires, says Dr Terri Orbuch, a social
psychologist and author of Finding Love Again.
Follow her lead
Regrets do have one upside: they motivate her to be
a better mate. “When she says, ‘I wish I’d treated my
ex better,’ she likely means, ‘I want to treat you
better than I treated him,’ ” Morrison says. So return
the favour; Orbuch’s survey of 110 divorced women
revealed that they craved more affection and
communication and less strife about money. And for
good reason: a 2012 study in the journal Family
Relations found frequent arguments about money to
be more predictive of divorce than other types of
spats.
QUESTION 4
Did you ever cheat on a boyfriend?
Nearly one in five women admit to being unfaithful,
reports a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
The most common predictor? Sexual incompatibility. A
survey by University of Washington sociology
professor Dr Pepper Schwartz and her co-authors also
supports a sex-based link: 49% of women who
admitted to infidelity said they strayed because of
boredom in the bedroom. And research from the
University of Denver suggests that past Cheat!ng can
affect future fidelity.
Test your compatibility
Sexual differences are often about a clash of
expectations, Engler says. “She might feel threatened
by what you’re proposing, but you can deflect her
anxiety if you explain what a certain sexual act
means to you.” Even that’s not enough sometimes,
says Debby Herbenick, relationships advisor. “She
might just hate blow jobs, for example, and you’ll
either need to move on or accept the idea of
spending your life with somebody who has that off
the table.”
QUESTION 5
How did your relationships end?
Maybe she’s always being dumped. Maybe she’s
always cutting men loose. Either extreme could
indicate trust issues, says Rachel A. Sussman, a
relationships counselor and author of The Breakup
Bible. And a recent, painful split, says Sussman, may
make her worry that you’ll break her heart too.
“These types of women are always waiting for the
other shoe to drop,” Sussman says. “And that
paranoia makes them think it’s best to end the
relationship the minute they sense any discomfort.”
Step up your game
Lavish her with attention, says Hokemeyer. That
means keeping your phone on lockdown and your
eyes off other women. Chivalrous gestures, like
opening doors and pulling out chairs, go a long way.
“They make her feel valued in public and you’re
conveying to the world that she’s a treasure,”
Hokemeyer says. “If she’s insecure, she’ll have a
heightened sensitivity to your level of attention and
connection to her. In other words, it’s not what you
say – it’s what you do.”
By K. Aleisha Fetters